Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

Sorry not sorry.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?