[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
is this how new cars are made??
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Uh oh…
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice