[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Grew big
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.