[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
you stereotypes are all alike
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB