If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.