Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

work smarter, not harder

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Tuesday

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.