Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.