Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

OH. COME. ON.