Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Mmmm. Shoeshi

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry