Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Current mood: Potato

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship