[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”![]()
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.