Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

sliding into dms like

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.