[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
For the baby who has everything
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.