Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Don’t snitch tag.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka