Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

I’m aging like a fine banana

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*