Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

yeet

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says