Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.