Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day