[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
🌱🌱🌱
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”