Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

This hospital has everything

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation