[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother