Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

groan^2

SONOFA

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].