[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
You Might Also Like
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.