[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.