[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Employees must applaud the planets.
