[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
in 3 months
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?