Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

…żyje?

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else