[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”