[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are