[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.