Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.