Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

ㅤ

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

I didn’t realize that was an option

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you