Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

#oldknees

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.