Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

This guy gets it.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?