Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.