Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!