[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
THIS HEADLINE
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!