[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing