Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Grandmother clock.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.