Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

😂

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’