Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.