Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it