Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Wait a second…

need him

I’m giving up for Lent.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better