Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing