Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Passwords are more important than ever.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

forgive me baja for i have blast

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…