Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mostly_cheese

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

@TheMichaelRock

I still can’t believe someone was hungry enough to try kale.

@roboticcrab

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

@catstronomical

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

@TheMichaelRock

*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*

*watches live version of Hunger Games*

@SlipperySecret

No c?h?i?l?d? donuts left behind.

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@patnelke

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@MandiAtRandom

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

@ozzyunc

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.