Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@milkin_hunnies

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@bIessbaby

over 7 billion people in this world and u think I’m gonna chase someone who doesn’t even want me? hahaha

that’s exactly what I’m gonna do

@Itskarleytime

*texts with friends*

Friend: hey

Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?

Friend: I sent that 8 months ago

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@Jennco_W

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@hero_ofthenight

When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

@iamspacegirl

Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not