[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*updates tinder bio*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]