Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Good Morning.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.