Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.