Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Baking is just science you can eat.