[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
She might be a genius
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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