Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

Money is the root of all wealth

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy