Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.