Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap