Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

WTF IS THAT!

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?