[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.