[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.