Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

I mean…but I did

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.