[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this