Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

My love language is hissing.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

🤣🤣🤣

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.