[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?