*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.