Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

This classic never gets old . . .

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

You wish you had this many chins.

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.