Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

A completely valid reaction tbh

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good