[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
You Might Also Like
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN