Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”