Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

is nasa ok

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.