Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him