Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

It’s an epidemic…

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks