Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Meanwhile in Canada…

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.