Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Has science gone too far?

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.