Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Beware of the “party goblin”…

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Uh oh 👀

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy