Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!