Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

When you’re Kinky but poor

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.