Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”