Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”