Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.