Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

This sounds bad:

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter