Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

12653.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Me, flirting😏

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep