Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

as is their right

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?