Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

All set.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night