[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
sleeping beauty
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Rather alarming headline…
