Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Stop sending me this shit.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?