Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”