Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

ㅤ

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

“What movie?” 🤔

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks