Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

#inspiration #foodforthought

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.