Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

it is time once again

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

What do you text your spouse?

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Jurassic park gets weird

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.