@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

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@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@Jandalize

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

@SuperApple80

*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@carboncaitlin

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

@_Bad_Karma

911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.

@NazaakatWali

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

@Jenny4ashley

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE