when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
911:What’s your emergency?
M:I’ve been shot..
911:ok sir,keep calm now..
M:thru the heart..and you’re to blame
911:Mr Jovi,this has to stop.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.