[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
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I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.